Act 1: A psychatrists office, Lying down on the proverbial couch, a large man in a kilt and a goatee. He tears of the goatee - on second glance his sporran had slipped.
'Thats better - would hate anyone to think I'd wear a goatee.'
'Now Mister E, it is time to return to your obzessssssion vit - zis vooman vit the strange name - zootee.'
'Sooty is a boy'
'Oh.' The psychiatrist pauses, 'so you are zat, er vay inclined? Vot age ees zis boy?'
'He is zickstee, I mean sixty, and I'm not inclined - I just lean to one side a bit.'
'Zickstee - he ees und old man! Vot zort of pervert are you?'
'I am NOT a pervert, and he is not a man - he is a bear'
'Zo you are not ze pervert but fantasise about having ze roompty-toompty vit a geriatric foory animal?'
'I don't fantise about the roompty - I mean having sex with sooty'
'Ah but last time you said you put your hand oop..'
'No! You nutter - zooty, I mean sooty is a poopet, I mean puppet.'
'Ein poopet vti ders strings - like ze leetle boy Pinochio?'
'Nein,a glovenpoopet.'
'I didn't know you spoke German. So a glovenpoopet? And you vair zis glovenpoopet on your hand vile you ...' Psychiatrist makes peculiar hand movement.
'For god sakes no - I've never had, I mean met sooty.'
'Ahzo zis zooty, no I caant go oon, ahm koomin cleeen - ahm frooom wooolveramptn'
'Zo vie, I mean so why the german accent?'
'Because noboody teks ya seriooosly when ya speek like thoos'
'Lets make a deal and both speak proper.'
'Deal now werr wozz I mean where was I? Oh yes so this bear is a distant silent father figure who is really just a puppet of your mother's?'
'Eh? Noooo, he's a children's entertainment. On the telly.
The psychiatrist sits still his fingers making a steeple over his nose.
'Were you ever promised,' the psychiatrist has trouble speaking, 'a toy puppet and never .... (gulp) received (bursts into tears) it?'
'Oh yes - I remember now - its all come back' Mr E starts to howl.
'I was .. promised a Jasper Carrot for my birthday and got a Ken Dodd instead.'
'You poor thing. I was promised sooty and got a thunderbird 3 instead, very uncomfortable in bed.'
'In bed?' the psychiatrist sits upright, suddenly alert.
'Not all that again' Mr E leaps of the couch suprisingly spry.'I'm off to get myself a sooty, sweep and soo.'
'Zo a menage a trois' he faintly hears as the door closes behind him.

Hi Turnip,
That was a lot more entertaining than the original sooty show itself.I hated the annoying little ******s myself.Had a Teddy bear though,it disappeared one day,used to keep dark shadows away.More acts to follow I hope,love your sense of humour.Lightens up the day.
Titan

I must confess to having a sooty (dont tell you know who) and a koala - perhaps that explains a lot! Seemingly i had a panda which got destroyed in the washing machine and a teddy that the dog ate. it was tough in those days!

Prequel to Sex and the Sooty

Arthur

Scene 1

A very calm and serene Eck walks into his local Freshco with a view to exchanging a one pound coin for loose change for to get the bus.

Whilst queueing at the kiosk the young pup in front of Eck starts off a conversation with the young pup behind the counter.

Not wanting to appear nosy Eck and his hand-puppet Arthur start looking around.

Arthur : "Eck you've forgotten your sporran."

Eck bends down and begins to pull his sporran through the slit in front of his kilt and Arthur helps attach the weights he has taken from his coat pocket.

The two pups see this and the customer makes a sharp exit stage right.

Eck: "My good woman, could you please exchange this one pound coin for ten of your ten new penny pieces, please?"

Pup: "I'm sorry, I can't open the till until you buy something."

Arthur: "Why you conning moo"

Arthur lunges forward and grabs the young pup by the throat and throttles her within an inch of her life.

The manager appears to see what all the commotion is about and he too gets a good throttling.

Arthur is finally subdued by security.

The End

So thats the story as it happend.

You must have read about it in the press. It was headline news accross the country.

"ARTI CHOKES 2 FOR A POUND AT FRESHCO".

That produced a spontaneous laugh and a wry smile, two of three things that happen a lot less than they used to. The third of course is a good nights sleep.

act 2 2/3rds


Brighton Rock Revisited

Brighton beach early on a winter's morning.

Sweep: pweep pweep pweep

Sue: Yes the sand does get everywhere, especially if you are a glove puppet.

Sweep: Pweep!

Sue: Oh, 'the band was in a farse'! Sorry Sweep,I'm practically deaf after being left in front of the amp all evening.

Sweep: pweep pweep pweep pweep pweep

Sue: You shouldn't speak like that about him Sweep. We owe him our livelihoods after all. It was his talent that took us from Guisley to the Palladium (the best fish and chip shop in Rotherham) He may have gotten a bit... up himself, but then so might you if you had your name in lights at the end of the pier.

They both sit silently for a while staring towards the distant pier.

'I'm ...I'm sure it was an accident when he pushed us both into that box tied it up, taped it and moved it 200 yards to the edge and tipped it over a 5 feet high barrier into the sea shouting 'Goodbye losers, hello solo career.'

Sweep: Pweep!!

Sue: I know - I'm too easy on him, but - I Iove that bear- or rather loved. But what will we do... who will give us a hand when we need it?

They sit silenty for a while longer when a large figure looms over them.

'Sue - Sweep - what are you doing washed up on these Brighton pebbles!'

Who are you?

I'm your biggest fan - I will rescue you and give you a loving home.

Pweep!
Sue - Sorry for that - too much excitement and soluble fibre.

That's ok. I'll put you in my Buckfast Bag for Life made from 100% recycled chip paper.

Just then two figures appear.

'Zer ess ze pervert - ee moleste zee eenossent glovenpoopets an ee doidnt poi moi invoice neetha.'

Just at that moment an enormous submarine crashes out of the sea and lands on the psychiatrist and flattens him. Thus ending a tiresome subplot.
,
Out of a hatch pops - Zooty, sorrry, Sooty.

'Ha ha Baron Eck you have fallen into my trap.'

... to be continued unless enough people send 5 pound to 40-32-40 76784453.

On;y 47p and 16 drachma donated so....


But i'm not a Baron

Sooty: But you are! You are the third Baron of Idle and Thackley - a title that should be mine together with a 0.001% share in Harry Ramsden worth - 50 pounds!

I don't understand

Sooty: H R had a crush on your great aunty Elsie who was working as a travelling pickle agent during world war 2. She drove him to distraction with her dance of the seventy gherkins and her disappearing trick with the pickled egg that had to be seen to be believed. But I digress. You are her only living decendant - though not for long - then the title and shares revert to me.

Soo: But you are just a glove puppet-you can't be in the house of lords

[insert your own gag here or click on HouseOfLordsBunchOfTw*ts.com to get a random joke]

Sooty: But I AM A POSSESSED GLOVE PUPPET HA HA HA HA (sooty's head spins round and round)

Stranger: Indeed - you are possessed by the Graham Greene character Pinky from Brighton Rock (amazon price 10 pounds ***** ) but I am Greene's drunken sceptical priest figure and I say 'Out damned Pinky and make it perky and leave this poor glove puppet forever!'. (Sooty's eyes spin and his ears blow off, he collapses ).

Soo and Sweep rush to Sooty's side and replace his ears.

Stranger: And now I must find the nearest pub for a cold pint of guiness.

Everyone, except for the psychiatrist, retires to the pub. Guiness and pok scratchings all round. The perfect end to a perfect day. I do love a happy ending!

Sweep : pweep, pweep, pweep, pweep, pweep.

Soo : No nothing happened last night, I'm only up ferrit 3 days a year

Sweep : pweep, pweep, pweep, pweep, pweep, pweep.

Soo : How do I like my eggs in the morning? Unfertilized you cheeky pup. Get some square sliced sausage and some tottie on the cooker.

Sooty (enters the scene with his water pistol drawn, full of water and ready to use) :

Soo : We better wait 'til Baron Von Eck gets here, I've no idea what your saying.

Sooty :

Soo : What happened to you sooty? You used to be a very articulate and loving polar bear.

Sooty :

Soo : I know, I know. It was the fags. 120 non filtered a day for sixty years. Now your throats gone and your permanently stained with nicotine.

Soo : Sooty I need to know about my early years. I was too traumatised to remember.

Soo : If you were on Harry H's right hand and sweep was on his left, how did I manage to pop up from time to time?

Sweep : pweep, pweep, pweep, von pweep.

Baron von Eck : Yes Sweep its me. But before I go on I need to go t'loo. It's been some months since my last visit. Egg-bound don't y'know. That's why I'm large. And the goatee beard is a result of one facelift too many (ladies you have been warned). Where is that Sooty with my bidet ...

Ooops that should have said tottie scone on the cooker.

I'm sure it was there when I proof read it through tears of laughing at my own jokes.

Then I posted it and it was scone or rather it wasn't there.

Right I really need to go ... where is that damn bear ...

...square sausage...breakfast at grannies...smell of pee in the common passage...grandad's bottle of phlegm... ah nostalgia