Early years(Part 1 of 2)

Into a life with no rejoicing
Born under the sign of the Ram
Almost arrived in a cold field unwanted
Formed the foundation of all that i am


But to build on such rocky a platform
The only thing honest,was my name John
Thrown open to the highest bidder
An orphanage marks my thoughts at aged O N E


So with good will and intentions,a new home
Toddlers don,t apportion the blame
Mum and Dad these people for parents
Spun and won in lifes giant roulette game


Up the stakes,he,s yours now high rollers
Subdued this fake disappointment will do
No child of yours this make do replacement
Grows into a toddler aged T W O.


Two years old and how much i remember
Not much really except for one thing
My turn to bid or spin the roulette wheel
Win a brother,a small crying thing


Nearly lost him,recalling next memory
In Scotland camping out i can see
Facedown in a ditch falls my brother
Ran for help,saved his life at age T H R E E


Same location when falling,put my hand out
Flick the switch,light bulb bright in my head
Blurred images,field,pain,car hospital
Transfixed to my hand blistered Red


Camp stove brands deep the scarred memories
Flooded with thoughts although try to ignore
Leads from toddler through to quiet junior
With school days beckoning,start lessons aged F O U R


Start at school,many names many changes
Thrust socially through the gates i am hurled
Significant times for the moulding of character
Educational jump start to face a cruel world


Books,writing and drawing,i,m ecstatic
In a bubble descending deep i would dive
Serious thinker,quiet and observant
School report from the teacher aged F I V E


Well the senses are soaked with the memories
A sponge absorbs,minds blank canvass as well
Filled with changes,look forward to playtime
Pavlovs dog,listen out for the bell


School yard frienships,games,marbles and conkers
Some call them Ollies,strings,tips,heady mix
Forming cliques,making friends,early disputes
Learning quick growing fast now aged S I X


Parents evening,as thoughts turn to schoolwork
Teachers words lodge deep in my mind
Mrs Mckenzie foresees a career linked to writing
Become an author my parents may find


With long stories aged surpassed in construction
Six years old with writing skills age Eleven
School milk memories and of course the school dinners
Significant year now at the age of S E V E N


The number seven,blowing bubblys they stick
Bazooka Joes get caught in your hair
Sick in school,sick at home,sick in school again
Body fights now and attempts to repair


Poisoned tonsils and a week spent in hospital
Jigsaw puzzle,new toy car,don,t feel great
Ironicly number seven brings good luck
Recovered stronger,strength returns now at E I G H T.

The lost years,

Could go further but remain there
All that follows is down hill
The slope led to the bottom
Where hope lingers there still
Titan

I see the most beautiful girl,how her eyes fixate,a Two way fascination,what is the attraction?The eyes are the window to the soul.What happens when Two souls connect,how does this happen.A chemical reaction,a drug.Is it a constant,no it fluctuates like our moods,can it be controlled.No,destiny,it's so strange.It happens beyond control.The heart rate is raised,the blood flows,you feel ill.Like a drug induced sickness.The use of "it only comes in waves",is almost orgasmic in its meaning.Throwing up has never been so beautiful.A kaleidoscope of beauty,an outpouring from within,a release,which is fascinating,whilst should be alarming.It's sexual,the whole thing is.I love it.It,s love to the point of Nausea and can be read any way you choose.
Titan

For my Nan,Morning has broken and Amazing Grace
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As a child I was forced to sing these songs
Usually in front of family when they came to visit
I diden,t enjoy singing it
Extremely embarrassing,I should hate the songs
I don,t however,it reminds me of my Nan.
She was my Nan by adoption,but she understood me
Called me her little Beetle,musical reference
Spent a few times on my own with her
Once at the Caravan for a week
To keep her company being the main reason
It was good to breathe,express myself
They were happy times
We would walk for miles
Talk about everything in life
I would accompany her to Church
She was a strong woman,religious,but never preached
She had a wicked sense of humour
Quite naughty really,with a Twinkle in her eye
Can,t ever remember her being unkind
When you feel love and know it,s true
You can be yourself and relax
They are special memories to me
Amongst others not so special
I would sing the song because my Nan loved it
Reminded her of my Grandad,he died when I was Six
I remember long walks with him,he was kind
I held the water beaker to my Nans lips
Shortly before she passed away in the care home
The care home were critical
Said that we had added time to her life
She was thirsty,she was my Nan
I was strong then,just like her
When I play these songs,I think of her
The happy times,her strength of character
She would tell me off if she were here now
Stop moping,where has my smiling little Beetle gone?
I would listen too,because I loved her.
Titan

OPEN ME UP/NUMB
When something is offered in an outstretched hand
Then the thing which is offered is taken away,with a clenched fist
Its not long before you no longer try,give up
Retreat into yourself with problems buried for years

When you are growing up and something is denied emotionally that should be given
It stays with you for the rest of your life
In the same way as when receiving something damaging or hurtful
Leaving a scar in your mind which reopens when life gets tough

As the years go by and lifes pressures mount
Along comes something that confounds an already tortured soul
Drawn into living a life aged before time,an O A P 47 year old
Grieving for the athletic,energetic Peter Pan he once was

The outward shield of confidence battered into submission
It lies useless on the floor mirroring only that which is left behind
Revealing a useless,desolate entity,its soul hovering waiting its end
Until that time,prolonging normality reveals things hard to swallow

A strength weakened,happiness saddened,solidity melted,hope destroyed
Everything up to this moment,one big pantomime
Who is the joke on,oh No he isen,t,Oh yes he is,Exit stage left
Limping like a PD clown,PD what,s that then,permanent Depression

Score well 23/27,top score if suicide was there,now where has that gone
Masked by the medication,allowing for what little joy there is
Take that away,sharpen the blade i,m ready.
Robot in disguise i,d be,but this one won,t transform

A Benjamin Button,sitting there as life passes him by
Once a hare,now a tortoise,but slow and steady gets this reptile nowhere
Screaming within for a wasted nothing life,screaming out for normality,sanity
An emotional safe,crack me,blow me open,at least then i,ll feel.
Titan

Hear the music,see the Light
---------------------------------
The pull,the strong distraction
That urge to bet attraction
Is coursing through the veins
As pulling on the reins
Reducing to a cantor
With galloping verse banter
With music in my ears
subduing all those fears
That struggle in the heart
Please do not fall apart
The pledge that's set in stone
Though sat here now alone
Thoughts bubble in their churning
With notes in Wallet burning
Large bonfires of submission
Cannot give my permission
To venture there today
The price I have to pay
Not even peep or flirt
Weigh now against the hurt
To disappoint would totally end
To Darkness then descend
Upon a day so bright
So I focus on the light
That's Shining through my door
Mixed with family on the shore
Who have arms held out to sea
Await beckoning there to me
Along with friends who wait
Who say it's not to late
To win this Tug of War
Not end up on the floor
But stand there undefeated
With Action One completed
To free up space inside
Halt now this darkened slide
Into that void forgotten
Forever feeling rotten
Regain that lost respect
The compulsive pull reject
Laugh right in its face
With fingers crossed in case
So ride on through those fears
With music in my ears
Have distractions set to do
With tasks well overdue
Things constructive now I see
Singing songs that set me free
Titan

Yeah,sure!!

Dear Titan,

Such a massive out-pouring can’t go unnoticed and someone should be able to comment. But I am struck dumb. My life has been a bed of roses and I don’t know how I dare to complain about anything.
My childhood was perfect – two parents who loved me, a granny who adored me, two big brothers who protected me (and still do).
My adolescence was easy and my college days wonderful.
The man I married is as solid as a rock and I love him absolutely. Two daughters who make the sun shine.
I had a good job and now I have ‘please myself’ retirement.
In fact, over my 57, soon to be 58, years I only have one negative (okay perhaps one or two small ones as well) and that is Parkinson’s, which hurts like mad.

Titan, you know how much I’d like to make things better and make it all go away for you. I wish you could have what I have got. But on the negative side – it is only Parkinson’s we share.

Your use of vocabulary and language far surpasses mine.

I send my love and concern if that is any help.

Lin
xx

I sit here quite dejected
Feeling someone else’s pain,
Caring thoughts sink slowly,
Stagnant ponds on red-hot plain.
My garden blooms in springtime,
In summer vibrant hues,
A life filled with such colour,
For now, washed with the blues.
A rainbow I would give you,
Yes! Even the crock of gold!
To help you find your way,
Without feeling your soul sold.
Sad times now left upon the shelf
To gather mounds of dust,
And big wheels set in motion
To help you re-adjust.
I sit here quite dejected,
But there is a light ahead...
A golden glow surrounds
A vibrant shade of red.


The ending can have several meanings but my interpretation is that of setting the world alight, positivity, shouting aloud, making people listen, being sure of yourself, determination!

And before I set off in full teacher-mode, I will go and face the day.

Lin
xx

To T

We are the ones
who stand and wait.
Feel strong arms
holding you now.

After such loss
May you have some relief
From the painful grief
Of a life that was,
And of a life that is.
May you find some hope
To help you cope
With all of this...

Penance and rain.

Distant thunder and unexpected rain
Surprises the sleeping weather vane.
All of the houses except mine asleep
This world united in counting sheep.

Rivulets of tears on window panes
With my finger I trace your name,
Words and blades can cut so deep
I close my eyes but cannot sleep.

My prayers to our God are all in vain
So once more I go and walk in rain
Disgust within me continues to creep
The price I paid was way too steep.

Rhymes without reason still remain
The hooting owl the midnight train
Where I am shallow you are deep
Wipe your eyes and go to sleep

On my soul like the mark of Cain
The words you sang in sad refrain
All the promises I failed to keep
Cleanse me Lord in waters deep.