Hi Vivian,

It's a pleasure.

Regards

MIKE

Here we go Vivian - enjoy :

Gordon the Chicken

Trevor the farmer, was in the fertilised egg business.
He had several hundred young layers (hens),
called 'pullets' and eight or ten roosters,whose job was to fertilise the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.

That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favourite rooster was old Gordon, and a very fine specimen he was too,but on this particular morning Trevor noticed old Gordon's bell hadn't rung at all!

Trevor went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing.

The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover but to farmer Trevor's amazement,Gordon had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Trevor was so proud of Gordon, he entered him into the West Berks County Fair,
and Gordon became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The Result. The judges not only awarded Gordon the No Bell Piece Prize,
but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly Gordon was a politician in the making:

Who else but a politician could figure out how to win
two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet,
by being the best at sneaking up on the populace
and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Love it Mike. Keep em coming:)

Love it Mike. Keep em coming:)


I'll do my best.

Regards.

Hey Visionvalue


................and then there was Paddy who couldn't understand why his sister had three brothers when he only had two..........


And,


Its my scouse nephews birthday tomorrow, so as a surprise I've put £10 in his nan's purse.....................


Regards,

Sorry ladies :


A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo , Japan.

Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

“'I'm afraid not, sir,” the clerk told him apologetically, “but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.”

Sceptical’ but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read,’Manicures; $20.00’.

“Why not?” thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, “This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives: 50 Cents.”

The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.





With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit, which now had a button sewn neatly on the end.

Extracts from a new book '' 50 Sheds of Gray''


No" she sighed, gazing sadly at the large stuffed crust Hawaiian with extra cheese.
"I said I'm really turned on by orders from dominants".
------------------------
"I'm a very naughty girl" she said, biting her lip,
"I need to be punished".
So I invited my mother to stay for the weekend.
__________________
"Harder" she cried, gripping the workbench even tighter, "harder!"

"Alright" I said, "Whats the gross national product of Nicaragua?"
----------------------------------
"You sure you want this? When I'm done you won't be able to sit down for weeks"

She nodded.

"OK" I said, putting the 3-piece suite on Ebay.
-------------------------------------
"I'm so wet" she purred, squirming, "you know what to do"......

I certainly did - I went straight to B&Q and got a dehumidifier for the shed.
------------------------------------------------------
She was such a tease, "I'm just going to slip into something hot and see-through" she promised.

I waited all night in that greenhouse..........

-------------------------------------------------
Are you sure you can take the pain? she demanded, brandishing her new stilettos.

"yes" I gulped.

"OK" she said........ and showed me the receipt....

---------------------------------------------------
, beat me!" She yelled.
"Are you sure? You want it right now?" I asked.
"Yes, yes!!"
With a swift move of my right hand, I slid my bishop to h7. "Checkmate", I said.

--------------------------------------------
The hem of her nurse's uniform rode up her slender thighs as she sat on my office chair. She was weeping now.

"I just... don't think I can... take it in...", she whimpered. "It's so.... big..."

"Nonsense, my dear", I replied. "All NHS staff are taking similar pay-cuts under the Government's new austerity regime. We're all in it together, you know."
__________________
I flicked my wrists, and there was a sharp crack.
"You see?", she giggled. "You can do it. Again, but harder this time".
I flicked my wrists again, and I could see that the wet fabric was now taut.
"Now hang the rest of the tea towels up the same way", my wife smiled. "It minimises the creasing. Then you can have your tea."
__________________
I slipped two fingers into that crevice, It felt damp, and strangely cold and gritty. Suddenly I was afraid.
"I don't know if I can go through with this", I said.
"Shut up and clench your fist a little", she commanded. "Do you feel that?"
I wasn't sure how to reply. The rope was now cutting more painfully into my skin where my weight pressed against it.
"Feel what?" I replied hesitantly. "It's quite slippery".
She rolled her eyes. "Of course it's slippery, you idiot," she replied in exasperation. "So shove another couple of fingers in there, for God’s sake! And now pull that rope tighter."
I obeyed.
"That's better," she said, smiling for the first time.
Suddenly I saw what she meant. And that first lesson was when my love of rock climbing began.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Suddenly she cried out, "No! No! Stop! No more!" Tears, I saw, were rolling down her mascara-streaked cheeks.

The instrument that was the source of my young assistant's distress lay, ten inches long and four inches thick, before her on the desk. In the preceding months, I recalled, she had often stayed late, after everyone else had gone home, to busy herself with it. Several times, in fact, I had secretly watched her from behind the bank of filing cabinets. But now she regarded it with a weary disgust.

I had no time for this childishness. I picked it up and waved it pitilessly in her face, even though she recoiled in terror.

"Look", I said. "I know it's hell. We're all sick of it. But if this draft EU Directive isn't in the Commission's hands by 8.30am tomorrow we're all finished. Now stop blubbing and get back to work."

More from 50 Sheds of Gray :


She looked up through her fringe and whispered,

"Tonight, you are my master and I am your slave.."

So I got her to clear out the shed.


As the red hot candle wax dripped onto my ******* yet again.......


I decided it was finally time to fit the shed with electric lighting.


Punish me"
she cried desperately,
"Make me suffer like only a real man can!"

"Very well"
I replied........ leaving the toilet seat up.


"Yes mistress"


I daren't argue as I bent over the workbench - I could see she had a strop on.


At least, I think thats what they're called.


We'd been banging all night with scarcely a break. Sweat poured from our limbs, but I was happy as I lay aching on the dewy ground.
I turned to my companion.
"Thank you", I said. "The neighbours won't be happy, but my wife told me that if I didn't get that flat-packed shed up by Sunday she'd leave me."






We tried various positions - round the back - up against a wall, but.........

the bottom of the garden was the only place for a really good shed



Her eyes were covered, of course, but I could hear her voice. She was uttering a sort of rhythmic mumbling which rose steadily to a climax, and then she suddenly cried out, "I don't care whether you're ready! I'm coming NOW! "

I do enjoy a good game of hide and seek.


She may have been getting on in years, but by God she could still suck for England.

I've always taken good care of my leaf-collector.

She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently, then harder until finally it came.

I moaned with pleasure.

Now for the other boot.



The young, naked girl giggled at her own plan. So that was how you turned them on, she thought. It was long and heavy - so heavy that she wondered at first whether she would be able to handle it. As she took a firm grip on it, it spat, and the man cried out.

"Ha ha, very funny. Now for goodness' sake put that away. There's a hosepipe ban on, as I've told you before. Make yourself useful: run along and ask Mummy if dinner's nearly ready yet."




I lay back exhausted, gazing out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience'

My Rhubarb had come up a treat.



My heart raced to see her lush, overgrown lawn, such a rare and wondrous sight.

Nowadays the tendency is for just a strip or no lawn at all.




She pressed a button and the new toy that I had given her buzzed into life.
I watched as she ran the humming object back and forth. Eventually, she was finished.
"So? Was it good?", I asked.
"We're going to need a longer lead if this thing's going to reach the top end of the lawn", she replied. "I told you we should get petrol".
_____________

I'm on a roll tonight , sorry if some words offend ;


Coffee and Testicles


A guy goes into the Home Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."


The interviewer grimaces and then says, Disabled in your country’s service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. "Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now.

Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM.

You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks,

"If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says.

"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls..




No point in you coming in for that."


----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy visiting Hawaii fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor’?

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it’ll keep the sheets off his legs.

Can't help it :


Gynaecological Visit.
******************



A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.


"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years. There's nothing you can't tell me."

"This one's kind of strange," the woman said.

"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.

"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet. When I looked down, the water was full of pennies."

"I see," commented the doctor calmly.

"That afternoon, I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were 5p pieces in the bowl," the woman continued.


"That night," she went on, "I went again, and plink-plink-plink, there were 50p's. This morning, there were £1 coins!"


"You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored. "I'm scared out of my wits!"

The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about," he said.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Ready for this?)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(I'm warning you.....)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Still not too late......)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


‘’ Your simply going through the change!"