Hey guys. A while ago I explained the situation.

Im 24 and live with my mum (48) and nan (74).

My uncle had PD, he died last year :(.

My mum also has PD and she is starting to drive us insane.


She has trouble walking and cant walk without someone holding her, a frame or a stick (although she can fall over sometimes even with a stick)

She is getting to be more of a nuisance than my uncle was.

The problem with her is that she is very stubborn.

She claims she can still do things around the house but when given the chance she falls over.

My nan baths her, gets her out of bed, cooks her dinner, gets her drinks throughout the day, sees to her in the night (when my mum has breathing problems and panic attacks each night), cleans out fish, guinea pigs.

Anyway we just had a big row. My mum told this person she would have 2 more guinea pigs a week ago. I explained to her it isnt fair on my nan because my nan would have to clean them out, not her and my nan is an elderly lady afterall which isnt fair.

My mum said she would do it and she really started getting to me by saying "its my life, ill have what I want". I explained we are only looking out for her and that if she tried doing it she would fall and hurt herself n it will be left to my nan to do who is under enough strain already.

Anyway things escalated and another problem happened. Now what I hate about this house which belongs to my nan is the sacrafices we have made for my mum. We had a higher up toilet seat installed for my mum, bath rails, decking and a ramp out front and back, a bath seat and more things. Im a young lad and it does ruin my life. Im obviously going to have girlfriends and friends up to see me. What do they think when they see all that stuff lying about?? A lot of people are totally not understanding and would run a mile from me.

Relating to that my auntie suggested ages ago about knocking down our passage wall and installing a walk in shower for my mum there. I personally could never live with that since I have my beer brewing quarters around there and its hardly nice having a shower right next to the front door where people can see you in the shower (its bad enough already having to use the toilet with the door wide open cause it wont shut due to the higher seat thats on the toilet). My nan said the other day we wouldnt be getting 1 there and it was only a suggestion but my mum was adamant today that the wall was being knocked down and I cant do a thing about it.

She said a load more horrid things to me like im not her son and im just a baby who doesnt help out (in fact I have been painting half the house and when they were on holiday last week I spent the whole week tidying and clearing up the house so it was nice for them to go back to). I went mad and said I cannot stand her and wish she would just go away.

I went out the room and came back to see my mum in tears.... because my nan would not side with her.

My mum tried putting a few more blows into things by saying I was horrid to my uncle. The reality of it though which I explained ages ago was that he was my best mate. I went to football games with him and loads of other places. The reason I was angry or annoyed at times was at the illness and not him. In fact it was her that was horrible to him. I remember when I was younger and he had PD so was slower at doing things. She used to have a go at him calling him useless and as a kid it bought me to tears most days.

Shes still sticking to her stubborn guns now saying shes given up on life now, that she didnt register my birth so I dont exist (I even showed her my birth certificate).

Her "lifestyle" support worker is coming up later to take her to gym and shes told my nan shes not going now.


I hate it. Shes my mum so I love her. I just hate the illness she has. I hate the way she is stubborn and I feel sorry for my poor nan who has been making herself ill by doing all she can for my mum.

When my mum gets an idea in her head she sticks to it and gets stubborn about it. She doesnt care who she hurts and doesnt think of the full reality of it.

Just 5 minutes ago she said she didnt ask for PD. She burst into tears and I said we all care about her and love her but she has to also think of the strains my nan has been going through with her but she said "well I hate you all"

Well just to add a bit more. My mum went and got her walker frame and bag ready for the carer to take her out. She refused my nans help and when I went in the front room she said she hates us all.

Then my nan said she wont be here when my mum gets back.

I got sooo annoyed cause we all love my mum. N ideally I know full well if my nan passed away I couldnt cope with my mum so she would have to go into care. I dont want her to go into care because I knew when my uncle went it was nearly his final days.

I know that extra strain on my nan (i.e more guinnea pigs to look after) will cause her that extra strain which could well be fatal for her. If my mum didnt get them however it would be less strain for my nan and could mean she lives for many more years and my mum gets to stay at home.

I flipped a bit, grabbed my mums bag, tossed it to 1 side and said "we love you" a few times. She burst into tears saying she doesnt want to be around anymore and how I dont care about anyone.

I even went to the extreme as to say I will disapear and then she told me she didnt want to live, she does care as im her son but she hates what I say in a row like this (likewise she says horrid things). She said she hates her body, hates the illness and is at an all time low so wants to die.


I feel very upset now. When shes stubborn and wants her own way part of me gets angry because my nan has to do the work concerning it and it causes her more strain. But at the same time I know how hard it is for my mum, I love her and want her to be in this house for the longest possible time.

The problem in a row like this is if I try to be nice and I say we love her she tells me she hates me and doesnt want to know but then if I go off on one and have a bitter rant at her she bursts into tears saying she hates her life :(

Merker.

Everything your mum does which you don't like is the result of either PD or its medication. People with PD are renowned for being grumpy, argumentative and difficult; I should know, I am one, and I can be an awkward sid when I want to.

But I was quiet, gentle and agreeable before my PD was diagnosed. Your real mum is still there underneath, just shrouded by this God-awful condition. You need to look at life through HER eyes occasionally - she hasn't got much to look forward to, has she? And judging by your family's history it seems quite likely that you yourself will join our happy PD throng in due course.

You seem to be more worried about your home-brew and how you appear to your mates or prospective girlfriends than your mum's welfare. I'm sure any lass worth getting to know would be appalled to see you leaving your septuagenarian nan to do all the chores, nursing and middle-of-the-night assistance while you stand idly by moaning. So you did a bit of tidying up and painting while she was away, did you? Wow, take a medal. Even if she was as fit as a fiddle I would have thought you'd be doing such tasks, plus your fair share of household chores, all the time.

Your mother spent decades of her life raising you, giving up all her spare time to look after your every requirement, and now you're grown up and she's very ill you find the situation a bit resricting, do you?

I've never heard anything more selfish in my life.

I am so grateful that my sons have never described me to anyone as a nuisance or said that I was driving them insane.. That they did not feel necessary home adaptations would drive potential girlfriends away. I am truely sorry that you feel that way
Illness & medication can cause people to act out of charater. My own mother , (who did not have PD )changed from being a capable, independant woman to a demanding at times quite a vebally abusive one. I am pleased that I did not row with her.
Your mother cannot stop having PD, your grandmother from what you say will never stop caring for her. You are young, but old enough to find altenative accomodation if you are sick of it.
I have not heard of a "lifestyle Support worker". , but am pleased that your mother & grandmother are getting some support

I suggest, young man, that you go and see your doctor about your fear of guinea pigs (caviidaphobia), which prevents you doing YOUR bit to help.

Perhaps, still living under your mothers roof at 24, she finds you a bit of a nuisance too.
Move out and give each other some space, perhaps you won't find her such a nuisance when you are paying your own bills, doing your own washing and cooking, you might even realise how selfish you have been.

I am a "nuisance" to my children too and plan on being so for a very long time, they and I have never argued, they have their own homes and we help and support and love each other . They understand when I am having a bad day and make the most of a good one. I love my life despite having PD, what a pity your Mum can't

That isnt fair.

Firstly I work. I run a business and I work in retail. A lot of my time is occupied at either of them and I also do bits around the house. The dilema with the guinea pigs is theres no space for them. My nan (whos house it is) does the animals because they need cleaning and feeding in daytime while its light, sadly im not at home during those hours. This means not only will my nan have to clean out my mums goldfish but she will have to clean not 1 set on guinea pigs out but 2. Hardly something a 70 odd year old woman should be doing is it?

Im not saying its about me and my wellbeing. In fact if you look into my past with things to do with PD you will see exactly that I have had no life with coping towards the illness. Its my nans house and previously my uncle lived here also. He had PD. Its not very nice being a 10 year old kid and seeing your best mate (my uncle) come home and burst into tears saying he's been diagnosed with PD then seeing him go downhill from a strong kind man to one who could not even move from a chair through my teenage years. Even at that age I did everything I could to help and it certainly was far from easy.

As I came into my late teens my mum started showing symptoms... That devestated me. It devestated her even more. In fact through those years I recall her blaming my uncle because she thought its his fault and my great grandad's (who also had it). She was taking her frustration out on him. I would come home from college and she would be trying to clean some animals out. My uncle would help and if he was too slow at doing something she would have a go at him. I even remember on my 14th bday I got out of the bath and she was having a go at him. That day I burst into tears saying its my birthday... and asked them to stop.

My nan has equally had it bad. She lost her mother a few years back. Then last year she lost her son (my uncle). She has had health problems and I actually hear her every single night being sick in the toilet. Anything more could throw her over the edge.

For me I had to cope with all of that from childhood. I felt the wrath of my mums anger towards the early stages of the illness and would be shouted at and had a go at for next to no reason. Then sent to my room. An hour or 2 later she would come and appologise. It made me feel like I was in the wrong when I wasnt and as a kid I took that to heart.

Night time was never good for either of us here. When my uncle was here he would have screaming nightmares every single night. Now my mum has panic attacks and likewise screams every single night.

Going back to myself for a bit. Just passing 18 and after all the stress I was put under (not just from my mum and uncles needs) I ended up falling down the depression route. i got into drinking and gambling to block out the pain and it was only a year or 2 later I snapped. Was taken into a mental unit and assessed. I had gone through a nasty form of depression and for the next 2-3 years I was given medication and weekly counciling.

For the record I do pay my own bills in fact here. I pay fair amounts of cash every single month for rent and bills. I am in town nearly every single day and spend about £60 a week on shopping for the house



Ray of sunshine - Read the above. Its seems you have me down as the lazy type who couldnt give 2 craps about my mother. Thats never been the issue. I do as much as i can for her (everything except bathing her because no 24 year old man wants to see their mother naked. My mum herself wouldnt want to see me naked) and in this specific incident im looking out for the wellbeing of all of us here. If my nan takes it easy she may live another 10 years to be able to help with my mum. Wheras if she doesnt take it easy (i.e have extra things to do like look after more guinea pigs) she wont last that long and whats going to happen? From knowing what my uncle was like I know full well I wouldnt be able to cope on my own and with nobody else to turn to the option would be a care home. My mum would be worse from that and truly hate me for it and I will never live with myself but there would be no other way to cope apart from that. Regarding claiming i'll join them all with PD. I have thought long and hard about that actually. In all fairness they were both only mid/late 30's when diagnosed. Im 10 years away from that when/if I get diagnosed. For my mum and uncle they had 2 people there to help. Myself and my nan. I have nobody. My nan may not be around then and regardless my worst symptoms wont occur for 5 or so years after diagnosis so its likely she wont be. My mum probably would of deteriorated a lot worse and quite possibly be in a home (If she isnt by then she will be and if I have PD at that time I definitely wouldnt be able to cope). So that will leave me on my own, nobody to look after or help me, and if im completely honest to put it mildly I will no longer be alive if I get it and go down that route I have seen/am seeing 2 family members go down and well as knowledge that my great grandad went down the same path (before I was born).

What is far from selfish is basically 15 years of giving PD suffers my support and helping them through daily routine. Instead of going off with mates I would stay in and make sure they are ok.


Caroline - Thanks for the reply. As mentioned its not my mothers roof, its my nans. On the contrary to that I havent left the house yet for non selfish reasons. I could easily afford to move into a house this second. But what would happen if I did?? My nan would have to do EVERYTHING. In the house. She would be looking after all of the animals, cooking, shopping, washing up, bathing my mum, attending to her at night, helping her move around the house, gardening, mowing the lawn, cleaning, washing clothes, ironing, drying clothes, getting my mum out of bed as well as visiting my uncles grave often. She 100% would not cope and if that doesnt throw her over the edge I dont know what will. This will mean sooner rather than later my mum will lose her mother and i'll lose my nan as well as my mum having to go into a care home sooner since there would be nobody here to look after her.


Anne - Its not so much that I have been ashamed of the things around the house. It was more the way they have been positioned. The toilet seat thing was attached to the toilet and that means when people go to the toilet they door wont close. Hardly nice to walk in through the front door and see my mum or nan sitting on the toilet. We also have a bath seat actually attached to the inside of the bath. Its a real inconvenience never being able to have a bath that well cause the stained seat inside it means the bath water never reaches high enough to cover mine or my nans whole body. The lifestyle worker does take my mum out 3 times a week but only for a few hours. She is taken to gym and around town.


The downstairs shower is an issue if we had 1. Not just for my brewing quarters. Far from that. As already explained my mum can already get upstairs and is fine to have a bath (something with my nan helping). The dilema of having 1 has been explained by estate agents. They said by having 1 there my nans house value will decrease by almost £20,000. The reason for it is nobody wants to buy a house with a downstairs shower as potential buyers are capable of having a shower (and would prefer) upstairs. The other issue is the shower would go right next to the from door. Meaning if someone was in the shower when the postman/parcel man or any other visitor came they would be able to clearly see that person in the shower.

The main issue today with my mum could be an issue even someone without PD could have. Its the fact she is stubborn and if she doesnt get what she wants she will kick up a fuss and start being nasty. She does not consider other people (weather its going to mean harder work for them, or an inconvenience) because once she gets an idea in her head thats all she thinks about.


I hope this post clarifys a few things and puts things into perspective that I am not some young, lazy, cares for nobody, selfish 24 year old. The whole incident is regarding getting strain off everyone here where im trying to make sure everybody in this house lives for as long as possible. So my nan has a care free and easier retirement. My mum has a decent life at home without having to be put into care for as long as possible and I can actually start doing things the average 24 year old male does. Not too hard to ask for is it?


thanks

Hi Merker. My heart goes out to you. Obviously the situation that you find yourself in is being exacerbated by the anger and tension you, your mother and your Nan are all feeling. Have you contacted anyone for help? Do you have any other family members who can give you and your nan some respite/help? The trouble is you are all now into a situation that seems to be escalating and needs somebody to come in and act as go between/negotiator to get things back onto an even keel. Then maybe you can have a rational conversation and sort things out. Is it woth phoning Social Services or MIND or the PUK Helpline. I'm sure there must be someone out there who can help.

Good luck and let us know how you get on

I'm with Pebble on this, Merker. You're young, you have a life to lead, and you have every right to 'vent' your frustrations on this forum. I sincerely hope you manage to get all the help you and your nan deserve.

Best of luck and keep posting.

Lily x

1. Are you really saying that running a business and working in retail is more important than your mum? Get an assistant. Sell the business. Compare how much you’re prepared to do for her with what she’s done for you over her life. My own wife (13 years my junior) gave up her job & career to become my full-time carer - despite my grumpiness - without a second thought. My own mother died when I was 20: I would work night and day for 20 years to get her back and thank her.

2. No space for more guinea pigs? What about all the space your home brewery is occupying, which is apparently preventing changes to your Nan’s (not YOURS) house. It sounds like the little pigs are about the only hobby your mum has, and you even want to take THAT away from her! And even then you leave your old Nan to do the little bit of work required on them! Need to do it in daylight? Pop home at lunchtime, or get a part-time home help. These are all just excuses. And a goldfish too? Gosh how on earth do you cope??

3. You do “bits around the house” do you? And so I should think, a fit young man living in his Nan’s house with her and your sick mother. If it were YOUR house and you lived alone you’d have to do EVERYTHING by yourself, as well as look after your business interests.

4. So you had a hard time as a kid. I’m sorry about that, but didn’t we all? My stepson watched his day rot away and die from cancer when he was ten. The following year his granddad suffered the same fate. Now his mother (my wife) has osteo and rheumatoid arthritis, and suffers from Wegener’s Granulomatosis and Churg-Strauss Syndrome – two forms of vasculitis which attack the auto-immune system. And yet she and he look after me with my Parkinson’s without a whimper.

5. You say that “Even at that age I did everything I could to help.” I should think so too; that’s what family life is all about, mutual care. And your mum and uncle had a row on your birthday did they? How dare they have some problem which encroached on your own birthday pleasure?

6. Your Nan had it bad when she lost her own mother, did she?? She’s 74, so presumably her mum was about 98. Not much of a surprise that.

7. You say you pay your own bills. I should think so too, with your own business. Don’t you help the others out with theirs? And £60 a week on shopping for the house? Are you serious? Don’t you watch the news? Groceries currently cost 54% more than a year ago. Gas is about to go up 19%, electricity 10%. Have you contributions gone up the same? In our house (3 people) simple shopping for the week costs about £150.

8. I don’t believe you don’t care about your mum. I DO believe you could contribute a lot more (both financially and in effort), and whinge a lot less. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and count your blessings. And don’t be so prudish about nudity: if there’s an emergency and you end up seeing each other naked, so what?

9. I see you’ve already decided that when the time comes you won’t be able to cope with your mum on your own, and are therefore planning to put her into a care home. No two PD patients follow similar time lines: you can’t assume that just because it took your uncle 10 years to go through a particular phase it will be the same for everyone. I even know a guy who was diagnosed at the age of 8.

10. Start thinking more laterally; you may need to change your life much more radically than you’ve contemplated so far.

Take care.