Going crazy

Living with Parkinson's Carers, friends and family
1

i don,t know if anybody can offer me an opinion, i am slowly going round the bend!

I am in mid 50,s, female, diagnosed 5 years ago.

My partner cares for me, he works three to four evenings a week as an entertainer. I no longer work.He does the cooking and takes me to do the shopping, so he does the driving. I do the housework, washing, ironing etc although it is becoming increasingly difficult.

I am worried because he keeps telling me how tired he is and that makes me feel guilty so i try to do more work and do some cooking, which i don,t find easy. Last week he fell asleep after drinking too much and as he had left his laptop on i switched it off. His mobile was next to it and as i bent over a text came up. I looked at his phone and saw that he had been sexting a woman. I woke him up and told him what i had found and he went ballistic. he was very very angry. He stormed out taking the household money with him and only returned the next morning. i was left alone, stressed, and needing medication. He only came back for more money before saying he was going to the station and going to find another job abroad. i pleaded with him to stay, he left me alone all day and came back in the early hours of the next morning.I dont know where he went .

last night i asked him again about the texts and he denied them saying he had set me up to see if i was snooping. he shouted at me for ages calling me all sorts of names and verbally abusing me. I started shaking and was shaking all night and could not sleep. I am still very distressed.

I dont know what to believe. i know what i saw, but if he did do it to set me up then that surely is just as bad if not worse?

The problem is that I need to rely on him, and if he is going to leave suddenly like that I am worried about what will happen to me. I asked him questions but he said all i was thinking abut was myself.

I thought he was very happy, he kept telling me he was but this last couple of weeks he has been texting a lot and i wonder what the real truth is.He said he was texting a male friend. I honestly thought we were happy.

My PD is quite bad, I still do not have any answers, my confidence is now zero and i just do not know what to believe any more. Do you think the PD is making me paranoid or should i stick with my instincts, if he is not cheating (and i consider sexting cheating) then why did he make it up? I cant imagine it was made up if i were being honest, because there were sent messages as well as received messages, and surely he would not go to that amount of trouble? why is he not trying to pacify me, reassure me, is his anger a sign of guilt? 

before PD i was a bank manager,, now i doubt my own sanity.

please, could i have some opinions, i dont know what to believe any more.

 

2

Hi, Starlet,

Reading your post, I feel that you are going through so much emotional trauma. I feel very sorry for you and wish I could tell you what to do for the best, but I can't, as you only can resolve the concerns your husband is causing you.

Is there anyone close  you can confide in and help you to find an answer to your dilemma? A relative? A friend?

Unfortunately you are another example of the problems women with Parkinson's have to face, i.e. lack of support from our husbands or partners! I have already said elsewhere on this Forum that I don't believe my husband will support me when my hour of need will come with this dreadful disease.

The way I see it, a large number of men are inherently selfish and are happy as long as we can continue to provide all the services we usually provide, but the moment we become incapacitated, then they start looking further afield for a newer replacement.

I am sorry to sound so pessimistic, but you are not the first woman on this Forum to have this sort of problem ( See  Maya's post " I don't think my husband will cope"  as an example). Still, I hope for your sake, that you can soon find a solution to the problem, one way or another.

As far as daily care support is concerned, surely Parkinson's UK can advise you, if you should ever find you need outside help.

Keep us posted. I wish you all the very best. Take care.

3

Hi starlet 

So so sorry to hear of your troubles no one deserves to be treated like you've been suffering with pd is hard enough without being abused by a partner and carer ,  it's only my opinion but I think your instinct is probably correct it seems a bit far fetched that your partner set up the texts to catch you out, what did he think was going to happen ?  Have you given him reason to think you were checking up on him ? It sounds to me like a cowardly way to get out of a situation he can't handle and wants to blame you for his own short comings ,

I know it's hard living with someone who has pd ,I'm a male and have pd myself my wife is my rock , I supported her when she had mental health issues , still do as best I can and she supports me ,

Being male maybe I can put a male point of view on your partners attitude , we as a gender tend to be very insecure and demanding and tend to want to be the centre of attention , if we are not being treated as we think we deserve we look for it else were , Parkinson's tends to sap your desire for intimacy which is not good for the male ego as we tend to think ( wrongly I might add ) that if your not satisfied with what that've got maybe your going elsewhere , this is atypical male thinking   Also we are programmed to be macho and looked after by women rather than doing the looking after ,I expect I will get a lot of stick for what I'm saying and there are many men who do an outstanding job of looking after sick partners ,but many more can't cope, 

The only advice I can offer is to try and get more support from family and friends if you have them close by or contact social servise for help.  As it dose not sound like your partner wants to talk about your troubles I think you'd be wise to find other options. I know this post has not been much help to you and I'm sorry I can't be of more help,  please keep posting on here and let us know your ok . Take care.  Cc 

dont forget your not the one at fault here 

4

Hi, Cheshire Cat,

You are obviously a very sensitive type of man. I can tell by the tone of your post , in which it is clear that you understand fully what Starlet is going through. Your wife is lucky to be married to someone who shows empathy and understanding.

You have also basically agreed with what I have been saying, i.e. that most men make very poor carers because they are intrinsically selfish and " are programmed to be macho and to be looked after by women", as you rightly say.

I really believe that women with PD, unless they happen to be in a relationship with the type of man you are, have got a rough ride coming. God help us.

Regards

 

5

Hi Redpoppy

   Don't know about being sensitive I think I'm more a realist I have few illusions about the human race and tend to see things as they are rather than how people want me to see them,

Yep most men are selfish n self centred but that's how they have evolved to be , if you think about it the modern "sensitive" man is only the product of the past 30 years or so , back in the 70s.unless he was a pop star or gay a man didn't wear makeup or do house work , and looking after children was classed as woman's work , the male roll was the bread winner a strong silent type who did his duty to family and did not get emotional involved in the careing roll , now however with life style changes and longgevity of life he is thrust into a roll he was not prepaid and can't cope with, the worst part of it is is that a part of the blame must be taken on by women in that they nurture the male depend mode in  doing the "mother" roll not only with there sons but husbands as well , you cook clean n wash for us until we take it as read that that's how life is and our ability to care for our selves or others is nonexistent . 

Most men go from one mother figure to another even the prosess of having a family just perpetuates the proses as that bindes another mother to him , then when he finds himself in the situation of having a more and more dependant person on his hands he just doesn't know what to do so tends to run away all the time blaming every one else for the problems.

Pluss if you add to that the whole female male sexual emotional differences were pretty much stuffed.

any way I'm done so stick a fork in me   Take care n live well.  Cc

6

Do you know what, he is a selfish pig.

yes he does the cooking, but i struggle and i do mean struggle to do everything else.

and the texts, of course they were from another woman why else would he be texting back saying he was single?

He is a performer, and obviously is used to women adoring him. At the moment i hate him.

yes i agree, and if i need a carer i will pay for one myself, and to be honest if he ever does this sort of thing again he will find himself not coming back.

we have enough to cope with, he knows full well that stress is not good for us. I am not bragging but i am not unattractive, and HIS friends are disgusted with him, so i have support from all sorts of places.

He is not a good carer, although he thinks he is.

and how insulting and unloving to sext another woman, even worse to have said that he made it up to hurt me!

7

Hi, no he had no reason to think i was checking up on him, i didnt think i had to.the only thing i had noticed is that he hs been texting a lot lately and when his phone went off and i saw it of course i looked. then i looked further.....

all he does is cook, as i said above i do everything - or at least try to. 

and yes, you are very helpful.(it is him who is not interested - or too tired - for intimacy, not me by the way perhaps he would rather talk about it)

i appreciate a male point of view thank you

8

Wow! What a brilliant analysis of why most men make poorer carers. And yes, women, and history, are to be blamed for this, plus, as you say, there are the intrinsic differences between men and women.

Thank you for your post, Cheshire Cat. Take care.

9

hi again

i am full of good intentions at the moment, but stress really does affect me deeply, so i just hope that if it ever happens again i will have the courage to do something positive for me.

just at the moment i can hardly bear to speak to him in all honesty

10

Fork coming up, CC!

Nope, there's no evolutionary evidence that being lazy and self-centred is a chromosonal issue. Sorry, men can't hide behind that. Your descriptions of stereotypical male roles owe more to the movies than medical science, I fear. There's far less difference between men and women than we think: we all have as much capacity to be lazy and selfish as we have to be thoughtful and caring. Just by participating in this forum i think we're all showing we are the latter.

As you say, CC, "take care" And live as well as you can.

Very best wishes

Semele

11

Hmmm, he is just a selfish pig then,excuse the less than lady -like expression, but i am very unhappy with his behaviour for which there is no possible excuse.

12

Hi Semele

Yep quite agree genetically there's not much difference between male n female it's evolution from hunter gatherer age where we diversify , the male became bigger and stronger to be more effective hunters while female encumbered by child birth and the need to breast feed took on more of the care roll of cooking and home making ,the male also became the risk taker as he hunted bigger and bigger pray , it was less of a loss if a male was killed as the offspring still had the mother to look out for them , you can still see similar behaviour today in remote tribal community's ,the stiff upper lip seriotype came from Victorian  ideals mostly upper and middle class which created man the bread winner and woman the carer,even in today's equal  lol. Opotunity obsessed world care rolls are still mainly filled by women .

  I'm not defending male attitude in any way as I think it's awful the way some men behave I'm just putting the male perspective to show why they're like it , basically they've not  moved on from cave men lol

   Live well. Cc

13

Quote "The way I see it, a large number of men are inherently selfish and are happy as long as we can continue to provide all the services we usually provide, but the moment we become incapacitated, then they start looking further afield for a newer replacement." Unquote

I'm very happy to report that i know many men who after many years still adore their wives and who support them in their needs whatever their illness. Whilst i accept its sad if ones partner doesnt support them i do however feel that perhaps the relationship was'nt on a sound footing in the first place before PD entered the stage.

Its so easy to blame PD when in actual fact there could be other underlying problems within any relationship, in both partners !

Spoken as a male with PD whose partner is'nt supportive !

14

Hi, Kyloe,

I am sorry to hear that your partner is unsupportive. That sucks ! It seems as you too have drawn the short straw.

However, I obviously recognize that we can never generalize and of course there are excellent male carers and very poor female ones. I was not talking about the exceptions, but, as a rule, I think the female gender is more inclined to make good carers.

Take care

15

Hi Starlet, Im really sorry you are going through this =( and dont worry about 'un-ladylike expressions', you call him whatever you want! I dont know if Im the best person to answer because I am a little untrusting of everyone and can be a bit suspicious but I agree with you that I think he probably was texting a woman, you know what you saw, and his angry, abusive reaction seems like a guilty reaction to me and hes trying to turn it around on you, he sounds manipulative like my ex, he would do something bad but somehow always leave me doubting myself and feeling bad. Im sure it is hard being a carer but it sounds like you try bloody hard to make sure he doesnt do everything and nothing excuses him sexting other women! I know I feel bad about myself anyway because of my health so I really hope this doesnt make you feel bad about yourself because you dont deserve this. I can imagine how the stress is affecting you, I become a trembling wreck! Im glad to hear even his friends are disgusted by him and that you have people on your side. Im so sorry its even harder to kick him out because unfortunately you do need someone to help you, I know how scared I was thinking of leaving my ex and I only relied on him for companionship really, he was abusive but I didnt leave cos I didnt wanna be on my own, so I can only imagine how tough this is for you. Obviously only you can decide what to do but dont let him make you feel like your going crazy, Im pretty sure your not. Take care x

16

Thank you. Firstly for actually listening to me and secondly for answering  a way that shows you  do understand

Yes I  know what I saw.  I  am not stupid. And yes he does try to  make me feel like It is me  is to blame . but it Is not me  at all

One thing  true I will   never trust him again. Ever. And that is  said

 

Thank you for being understanding and wise.

 

Xx

 

 

17

Well done for being strong, we are always here if you want to talk things through. Take care xx

18

 

            In one word  "YES" he is so wrapped  up in himself  you do not matter, my heart goes out to you starlet I wish I could offer you words of comfort, but I fear  you must prepare for more of the same,his attitude is despicable and his secret texts can mean only one thing, heartbreak for you,as if you didnt have enough to deal   with, I read so many similar sad stories , one partner is  stricken with PD  and the other runs, leaving the horrors of parky to be handled alone, I do understand , you are changed in his eyes and  he will impart emotional  pressure trying to make it look as if its your fault and that you deliberately adopted parky just to hurt him I have the words to describe the man, but I cannot include them here, if you look to the future you need a honest kind compassionate caring person by your side, and this guy just does not fit that description, but do not dismay lady for they are out there,  sit him down and get to the point ask him if he still loves you, and if he answers in  the negative, its time to move on, you need someone strong, not a wimp who dumps you at the first hurdle, I know these words will not be wellcome and I speak from the safety of a good strong marriage, but my first marriage failed under same but different  set of circumstances, there is no easy way starlet be strong and take control,  you will come through and compared to dealing with parky its a case of thinking of yourelf and your turn to be selfish.

                                         I wish you well Starlet, it will be hard but you will survive

                                                          Kindest Regards               FED